Starting Off

Let me start this off by saying that im ok. well...as ok as a mildly depressed 26 year old guy with no bright future can be. But this blog is not about about me whining or bitching about how i don't have the job i feel i'm supposed to have (at least not yet). This blog, this little space of...what? information...technology? i'm not even articulate enough to come up with a breath-taking metaphor that can express how i feel, no matter...this blog is not about me being verbose either (though i sooo desperately want to be). What this is, is like my cluttered little room with all my comics thrown over my bed and desk and floor battling for territory, battling for supremacy (and so far winning), this is a place where i can post most my fears, for i am afraid of everything, or where i can actually write something if i feel the feeling is choking the life out of me.

Back to being afraid...you see, im afraid im losing my mind, im afraid i am going insane...for the last 2 months i have been suffering from insmonia...and in those little slivers of indiscretion...where i wrest sleep from the clutches of insomnia i dream. Dreaming is not the problem, the problem is waking up. When i wake up it becomes so tough for me to find myself, my identity has been replaced, and it feels that this person i pretended to be during the dream (or maybe when we sleep we get to be an alter ego, we get to be some other person in different planes of reality...where everything is possible) has come throgh the planes that divide reality. Yes it seem confusing thats why im expalining my last two dreams...this was just last week.

On thursday i woke up at 5 am (after going to sleep at 3) i had somehow woken up with a lingering after-effect of the dream i have had, you see, in the dream i was a spy and i told someone in vivid details all the lies i have lived and how deep undercover i went for the sake of the mission, yes it sounds cool...it was until i woke up...when i woke up i was still a spy and not the person who writes this stupid bullshit, i was so convinced of it, for a minute i didnt recognize my room, or didnt even recognize my own skin. And for the life of me i could not recall any minor details about my life (my actual life, with the dead-end job, and very few friends), but i remembered the lies, the mission and all that useless stuff. This lasted about an hour and a half when i couldnt remember my real self.

On saturday at 7 am (after going to bed at 4) i wake up, seems i was dreaming i was one of those killers, you know a slasher in a slasher flick? (freddy krueger, jason, mike myers halloween) and i had excised some guy's testicles and yes, the other guy...the victim? it was also me. This dream was tedious because i couldn't escape or hide...and at the same time i couldnt find myself to finish the damn job and forcefeed the victim that was me my own testicles! so when i wake up its the same story, i dont even know who i am, o where i am, i feel like running out of my room and there are two thoughts in my mind...escape...kill...and this took me about 15 minutes to get my heart rate down...and then to slowly pull memories from my brain.

And this way i spend most of my nights...and im afraid that with every night that passes i remember less and less of the person i am. Yes it seems stupid. To me it isn't because i feel my actual sanity slipping away